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I recently read an article called My kids are quitters…Wanna make something out of it? This article was floating around Facebook, with friends posting how they would never make their child stick with an activity they don’t enjoy.
Well, guess what? I don’t let my kids quit–and let me explain why. But first, I must point out that not letting my children quit things does not mean that I don’t listen to them or value their time, as the other article suggests. It simply means I have a different parenting style. I will say it here, and I will say it again at the end of the article: Parenting isn’t a competition, we’re all doing the best we can!
Sticking it out with groups and teams…
Let’s start with groups and teams. In our family, when you make a commitment to an activity such as chorus or orchestra at school, a soccer team or competition dance team, you finish that commitment for the season. If you choose not to participate in chorus next year, so be it–but you made a commitment to a group that is counting on you.
An example my daughter went through: She joined the school orchestra. After playing violin since she was 3, school orchestra of beginning strings players was very basic and boring for Brid. She wanted to quit about a month into the school year. I listened to her and discussed it with her. I told her I know she could play the music with her eyes closed in her sleep, but she made the commitment and would be letting the group and teacher down if she quit. I also pointed out that this was an opportunity for her to be a leader and that she most certainly did not have to join the following school year. We had conversation, talked about the pros and cons, and saw it through to the end result.
Think about it as an adult. You get asked to serve on a committee at work, you go and can’t stand the committee. But it’s a year long commitment that you agreed to, so you stick it out. Or, for example, I took a summer teaching position last year. Did I want to teach through the summer? No! I wanted to be home with my children. But my family needed the income, my resume could use the boost, and the program needed a strong leader. Did I quit when I got hired for a better teaching job that started at the end of August-no! I stuck it out because that was what was best for everyone else, even though I would’ve been happier at home.
By having your child stick out the season, you are teaching him or her that sometimes we do things for the betterment of the team…or, as we grow up and become adults, we stick things out and do things for the betterment of society. This does not mean I didn’t have a discussion with my children about how they feel about the activity and ways to get the most out of the remaining time in it, it means they are learning that their immediate desires aren’t always what comes first.
Sticking it out with individual activities…
Take a look at this picture of Christopher, age 2, before the tears of having to go into the pool for swimming lessons started:
Guess what? I made him go through all three weeks of swimming lessons. Every.single.day. Because swimming is an important skill that all children should be taught. Just because he wanted to quit, doesn’t mean he should quit! Check him out by week three, jumping in the diving pool:
Did you see that miserable face in the collage at the beginning of Christopher? Living in the cold north, there aren’t a lot of active things to do in the winter, and he is an active child. So when he was 2, I suggested trying ice skating lessons. In theory, he thought they sounded great. Then, he made this sad, sad face. Knowing that Christopher is an extremely active child and we need wintertime activities, I talked to him and said, “Just give it a try.” It doesn’t mean I didn’t value his feelings, but I also know what his needs are. The very day he made that miserable face, this was him skating alone on the ice:
Lastly, what about the fact that I made my daughter start violin at the age of 3 and my son will be starting an instrument in the next year or so. This is not an idea they come up with on their own and Brid was not happy with practicing or lessons at all when she first started. But, as a parent, I know that starting an instrument or learning a language before the age of 5 is great for brain development. Since I can’t teach my children either of those things, I choose to enroll them in private instrument lessons. Once Brid reached 7 years old, every year I gave her the choice of whether to play or not for that year. She continued to play until she was 12 years old and now is able to pick and play around with several instruments. This is from her winter recital at 11 years old–and she never would’ve had this ability if I hadn’t made that choice for her at the age of 3:
Does this mean I make my kids stick out every little thing? No–I suggest activities to my daughter all the time that she turns down and gives me reasons why. But she doesn’t usually start activities she doesn’t have interest in completing. Do I stick out every little thing? No–but I try not to commit to something I don’t have the intention of following through with. Does this make me a better or worse parent than anyone else? Not at all. Parenting isn’t a competition, we’re all doing the best we can!
I generally feel this way, but recently my 7 year old told me she was done with hip-hop dance. She already takes jazz and tap on a different day, has girl scouts, and comes home with about an hours worth of homework each night. She was tired and not having fun in that one class any more. In this case, I was paying $70/month for that class and the battle of her tired cries each week were painful…It was her way of telling me “I’m tapped out mom!” I wasn’t going to push back this time. Luckily the studio let me cancel that class and have me add another to my 15 year old’s schedule without missing a step.
Oh Jen-It sounds like she was miserable. I’m glad you were able to work something out!
I totally agree with this. It is so important to teach our kids how important it is for them to be dependable and the meaning of a commitment.
Thank you, Kim!
I like this theory. It’s so easy for people to back out of things now (me included) and I think it starts with early lessons to drive home a point that it’s not O.K. just to quit because you don’t feel like doing something. I see this all the time in volunteer roles – people are there one day and gone the next because they just don’t want to or have time to stick through the role they signed up for. Of course, this could point towards someone who overcommits – but there is an issue with that, as well. Thanks for your post!
Thanks for your comment, Kim! I think overcommitment is often the issue, even when it comes to children. They get stretched so thin and then don’t want to do the activities.
What great perspective! My kids only just turned two, so we’re not quite in this boat yet, but I really appreciate the stick to it attitude you’re teaching your kids – I’d love to do the same! It’s definitely important to listen and give them the eventual out, but there’s something to teaching endurance and dependability that are such long lasting lessons. In our “instant gratification” society, not enough kids are learning the importance of sticking with commitments and I love that you’re starting early. “And that makes” you – a pretty rockin’ mom. 🙂
such a great post thanks so much for sharing at “Meet the Neighbors” I agree we all do the best we can and as parents its our job just like school teachers to start them with some basic skills that will get them thru life
I have experienced both sides of the coin and you are correct about this for all the reasons you list! Great article that I had to share.
Please do not do this! You do not try to stop them rather you should permit them to go on with whatever they love.