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Happy Mother’s Day to all you wonderful mothers out there! We hope you all are not only spoiled rotten for the day, but also given much appreciation for all of your hard work. To celebrate Mother’s Day, we’d like to give our mommy readers the special treat of laughter. We asked our readers to share their most embarrassing and outrageous mommy moments and boy, did we get quite a response! We knew we would get some good stories, but our moms had us literally rolling on the floor with laughter. We hope each story gives you a good laugh and a bright start to YOUR day!
Moms’ Most Outrageous and Embarrassing Moments:
Melissa K (Melissa’s stories were just so funny, that we had to share two!)
KOTEX AND KIDS
I try to avoid the grocery store when I have all three girls with me, but sometimes necessity trumps sanity. Necessity equals milk, mini pancakes and tampons. I piled up all of the kiddos into the swagger wagon and off we went to my arch nemesis, HEB. I scored an awesome spot and the cart with a bench attached. Things were looking good. E and C were perched in the bench seat and baby A was strapped into the front seat. We were off, I was rounding the corner at impressive speed to locate the tampons and realized that since I had been to the store last, it was now under a complete remodel. I had no idea where anything was. I stumbled across the tampons where the bread use to be, and then wandered around attempting to find the pancakes. Since I was trying so hard to locate my items, I was not really paying attention to the girls. I stopped walking to peer down an aisle when a woman tapped me on the shoulder. “Excuse me lady, you are shedding tampons.” What the … I looked behind me and there was no question where we had been. Tampons strewed hap hazard down the aisle. I turned to shoot daggers at the older girls, but stopped when I noticed baby A happily gnawing on a wrapped tampon while her chubby hand thrust into an almost empty box, routing around for another Kotex to toss. Do I gather up all of the tampons and purchase the box, or do I gather them up shove the open box back on the shelf and get a box that had not been handled by baby fingers? I ended up roaming the store picking up the renegade tampons avoiding making eye contact with other customers. I bought the opened box, and after making it home counted the remaining items. Apparently there are about five tampons unaccounted for. So if you are at HEB this week and find a sealed tampon, it is mine, I already paid for it so you can keep it.
SORRY ABOUT YOUR PORSCHE
First of all I would like to make a blanket apology to whomever drives a black Porsche that was recently detailed and parked in front of Target. Yesterday, I scored a rock-star parking spot at Target, right near the door. As I was pulling into the spot, I noticed the shiny new black Porsche parked to my left. “Must be nice,” I muttered as I put my swagger wagon into park. Baby A was in the back seat chomping on a banana and a baggie of almonds. I opened her door and proceeded to do my usual task of emptying her car seat of discarded snacks. I usually dump them on the ground, because I figure that is environmentally friendly. Surely, some famished bird needs a snack. As I was picking things out of her seat, Baby A felt it would be a great time to spit mashed bananas and chewed up almonds on my hand. Without thinking, I shook my hand out the door and flung the chewed mess. I promise I was not intending to soil the perfectly detailed Porsche. When I saw what I had done, I glanced around and discovered no one had been watching. I looked at the car, a lump of almond encrusted banana was now slowly sliding down the driver side window. I grabbed a baby board book out of the car, and attempted to flick the glob of mush off. It worked, however now there was a beautiful slimy trail of goo left behind. I grabbed a baby wipe and very gently attempted to wipe it off. This just spread the mess over more of the window. I was scared that the damn car alarm would go off if I scrubbed too aggressively. I was just about to give up, when a piece of sticky, slobbered on fruit snack sailed past my head and landed on the front windshield. I did the only thing I could think of, I got the hell out of there. I threw my swagger wagon in reverse and went to Wal-Mart.
*To read more of Melissa’s hilarious stories, you can follow her blog at CEO of Domestic Affairs.
Angela P—THE POOP EXPLOSION!
One of the most disturbing moments I’ve experienced in mommyhood so far has got to be the poop EXPLOSION. Of course every mom has cleaned up one of those diapers, you know the kind, where the little one goes straight into the bathtub, however, it’s so much worse when it’s the first one of the day, after a long night’s sleep.
Ava usually takes her time waking up in the morning and needs 15 minutes of sweet morning playtime in her crib before letting me know she is ready to get up for the day. Well, same as all mornings I walk into her room ready to scoop her up for a morning kiss. Flip on the light and stop in my tracks, there was a poop EXPLOSION surrounding my oblivious child. It crept out the back of her two piece jammies, covering her back, her hair, the mattress, the crib railing, her forehead, her teddy bear, the blanket and a little smear on her cheek and chin just to top it off. Needless to say, we’ve shortened that sweet morning playtime.
Addie D—THE ONE DAY YOU FORGET TO CHECK YOUR CHILD’S “WORK”
When my oldest turned three and had been potty trained for a bout a year, I began to teach him how to wipe his own butt when he pooped. One day I was in such a hurry to get some errands done in town that I didn’t “double check” his “work” after he wiped his own butt and in a whirlwind we were out the door.
As we stood in line at the grocery store I saw him out of the corner of my eye picking at his seat. I bent down and softly whispered in his ear “don’t pick at your booty, okay?” and he ever so loudly replied “MY BUTT ITCHES REAL BAD!” I could feel my face and ears turning red as I bent down again and softly whispered, “Well, wait until we get to the car and we’ll figure out what itches.” He then replied “IT’S THE HOLE MAMA! THE HOLE REALLY ITCHES.” I could have just left my cart and sat in the car as all the people waiting in line (even lanes down) burst into laughter, when a chuckling older woman came up behind me, put her hand on my shoulder and said, “Oh, this sure brings back the memories, I’ve raised six boys. I sure miss these days.” We laugh about this a lot now, and I hope to be that little old lady one day giving a younger mom some reassurance.
Erin G—OUT TO LUNCH
One day, years ago when my daughter was a toddler, I went out to lunch with my her at a Chinese buffet. She was rather verbal, but still had that toddler talk going on, where you couldn’t always understand what she was saying. Her plate was back at the table and we were back up at the buffet for my plate when words I never expected came out of her mouth- “Where’s my f***ing food?” I looked around me to see people staring, turned to her and said, “What?” And she repeated it, again. Only this time-she pointed frantically at the silverware. She was saying, “Where’s my fork and spoon?” But my-oh-my, that is not what the rest of us heard!
Kathy B—BEFORE THEY INVENTED BABY MONITORS … MAYBE WHY THEY INVENTED BABY MONITORS
My most outrageous mommy day happened when my twin boys were two years old and I was very pregnant with my youngest. (He was a singleton—YES, there is a God!) The toddlers had had a particularly wild and active day (one of the twins is severely ADHD, so the exuberance level was amazingly high). It was a messy lunchtime and I was met with a strong resistance to nap time. When I was finally able to settle them in their cribs I laid down on the couch with a book, happy to be off my feet.
A good amount of time went by—the naps were longer than usual—but I decided to “let sleeping babies lie” and not risk waking them by peeking in. Eventually, I heard some happy voices, but no wake up cry and I climbed the stairs, eager to greet them. When I opened their door I found each boy standing in his crib covering the wall with squiggles and swirls and dashes of poop. The diapers were off, two walls were well covered, and poopy footprints covered the crib sheets. Poop was in their hair, on their shirts and some had dropped from the walls to the floor. I was mortified. I called my husband at work and told him “to get home, NOW” and threw the little Da Vincis into the bathtub. While the art teacher in me knows you can’t squelch the creative spirit and that an artist will use whatever medium is available, I was totally unprepared for this.
Marcie R—ALWAYS REMEMBER TO BRING A CHANGE OF CLOTHES
My embarrassing mommy day started off like any average day. I got up very early to shower and get ready for work before my son woke up. Once he woke up, I went in to change his daily morning poopy diaper. Each morning I am greeted with a lovely massive blowout diaper and a toddler that loves to flail his arms and legs around while I change him. I have become quite good at changing him during his morning acrobatics and once finished I got him dressed and ready for daycare.
On my way to work, I kept noticing the smell of poop, but I couldn’t quite figure out where it was coming from! I checked my hands, face, clothes, but I just figured I must have been tired and suffering from mommy hallucinations, so I didn’t think much of it. That is until I got to work and my boss noticed that I had a big streak of poop running down the side of my shirt! OMG, I don’t know how I could have missed that, but I am sure many of you busy and distracted moms can relate!
I was so incredibly embarrassed, especially because none of the people in my office have kids yet, so no one really understood how something like this could have happened! I quickly bolted out of work and found the nearest Old Navy to find a new shirt. I am still mortified about that day and not sure I will ever live that down in my office. I can’t wait until someone finally has kids and does something similar to me so I can remind them of how much they made fun of me!
Laurel S—A MOM’S FRANTIC EFFORT TO SMOOTH A MELTDOWN
When my daughter was about two months old, I decided to go on a long walk to the grocery story (about a mile and a half away) with her. We got there, I picked up a few things, and when we were in the checkout line she started melting down. I knew there was only one thing that was going to make her happy, but was hoping once I got her back outside she would fall back asleep.
So I frantically started looking around the parking lot of the mini shopping plaza I was in for some place to breastfeed her. There was a Subway, a K-Mart, a post office and a Chinese take-out place. I ended up sitting on the curb of the sidewalk near the Chinese place and feeding her until she fell asleep. I got a few weird looks, but fortunately I live in a big city and me feeding my baby was small potatoes compared to the shenanigans that usually go on.