Some people have been fortunate enough to only experience happy, healthy pregnancies. I am not one of the fortunate ones. I have known many women, myself included, who have suffered miscarriages. There are probably countless more women I know who have had miscarriages, but never shared their experiences. Even after reading the statistics of how many pregnancies end in miscarriage, it’s always shocking and devastating when the person having the miscarriage is you or someone you know and love.
Everyone goes through grieving a miscarriage differently. Here are some simple tips, facts and words or encouragement I’ve heard for those who have gone through a miscarriage or have had a loved one experience it.
Be Sad: One of the hardest parts of working through my miscarriage was allowing myself to feel sadness about it. My husband (now ex-husband) and I had not told many people we were expecting, so I felt very alone. My mom explained the scientific aspect of the miscarriage as did my doctor. But that’s not what I needed to hear. I needed to hear someone say to me, “Yes, you were pregnant. Yes, you lost your baby. It is OK to cry, scream or be angry. If no one has told you those things, I am telling you now!”
A Pregnancy is a Pregnancy: Many women suffer miscarriage very early in pregnancy. Some friends have tried to shrug off their miscarriage saying, “I was only six weeks pregnant, so I’m trying to get over it.” No matter how far along you were in your pregnancy, you were pregnant. Having an early miscarriage does not mean you shouldn’t grieve.
Ignore Unwanted “Advice:” Well-meaning people often will say things without realizing how much they hurt. Here are some of the things I have heard people say to me or other women:
- At least you have one healthy child.
- It’s for the best.
- Everything happens for a reason.
- This just must not be your time.
- Your baby is in a better place now.
If you are the recipient of some of this unwanted “advice,” do your best to let it pass you by. It can be hard to ignore, but do your best. It is OK to be angry with the person, but know they are not doing it out of maliciousness.
Doctor, Doctor: If you are worried about whether you will be able to have a healthy pregnancy after a miscarriage, talk to your doctor. You might have some tests done or your doctor may want you to continue trying for a few more months before worrying. Depression occurring in women who have had miscarriages is common. If you feel yourself slipping into a depressive state, please don’t hesitate to ask your doctor for help.
Seek Support: Sometimes women feel like talking about their miscarriage is a taboo subject. If you want to talk about it, but don’t have the support at home, seek out a support group or a counselor. You might be able to find a group at your hospital or online. It can be extremely helpful to talk to other moms who have been through the same thing. Check out the WhatToExpect.com board for Grief and Loss. Those of you supporting the mother going through a miscarriage, might consider visiting the website Earth Mama Angel Baby Organic; Gifts from the earth for your gift from heaven.
Remember if you’ve gone through a miscarriage, you are not alone. Your baby was loved and important. Please add any advice you can give parents who are currently grieving.
What a great post, Erin. While I haven’t been through this myself, I feel like this helps me to be a more understanding friend to those who have.
I’m glad it is a help, even to those who haven’t been through a miscarriage personally.
i had 3 miscarriages before i had a healthy son who is now 5 months old and hes the biggest blessing…
Blessings to your and your family!
I had a miscarriage right before my youngest was born. I knew the statistics too but it just never dawned on me that I would be one of them. Needless to say it was a dark time, but there was light at the end of the tunnel. A happy healthy little boy. He’s 17months now.
I felt the same way when it happened to me, Keya. I just never thought I would be one of those numbers. Hugs to you!
I just had a miscarriage, I was only 4 weeks along but its still hard for me to think that I lost my 2nd baby. When I went to the ER for my spotting I was telling my self and my husband that this happens but everything will be ok. An hour later the docotor said it was a possible miscarriage. the next day the bleeding was worse and in my heart I knew that it was a miscarriage but went to the doctors once again to hear that it was indeed a miscarriage.
I have a healthy 9 month old and I enjoy her everyday but my heart still aches from loosing our next child.
Thank you for posting this article it has great pointers for coping.
It is so heartbreaking to go through a miscarriage, no matter how early. I wish the best for you and your family!
We’ve had 7 pregnancies in 4 years. We’re blessed to have 2 wonderful children but the most recent loss was the worst for me. I highly recommend talking to whomever you trust most who is most understanding. And do that often. Even though we were only 6 weeks I felt the need to name this baby as well. Please know that anything that makes you feel better is ok. You’ll hear some very ignorant things but grieve however you need to grieve and please know that you are not alone.
I’m so sorry to hear about your miscarriages, Cassy. Thank you for taking the time to reply and offer advice. It’s so helpful to hear about other women who have gone through miscarriages.
I am devastated to say that I am currently having a miscarriage. This would have been our second child and my son is now 15 months. I have heard of many women miscarrying and always thought to myself, “I could NEVER go through something like that and get through it.” I was 5 weeks and we were JUST beginning to tell people. It is heartbreaking to have to tell people who were just overjoyed yesterday that you are no longer going to have a baby. I know “it happens.” But this time it is happening to me and I am just speechless. What’s worse is that my husbands birthday is tomorrow and we had to cancel a huge party for him because of the loss. I feel horrible that I lost our baby and guilty that now his birthday will be ruined and associated with the loss. I have dealt with a LOT of loss in my life so the thought of a miscarriage just seemed like one of the only things that hadn’t happened to me. I’m sorry I am being so pessimistic… I am still in the throws of hormones. I am hoping to see bright spots soon.
I wish I could hug you right now. My husband and I found out in March that I was pregnant, and we had only told my parents and my older sisters. Just 5 days later, I started bleeding and I just knew. Not that I’d had a miscarriage before, but I just knew. I was “only” 5 weeks, and I actually went back to work just 2 days later, but I had to move forward because I wasn’t ready to “deal” with it. Now it’s June, 3 months later, and I finally made an appointment to see a counselor this coming Tuesday because in the past month, I have been on the verge of tears almost daily. We don’t have any other children, and we will be trying again soon…hoping for the best. Big, giant hugs to you. I don’t know if you (any of you) are a writer, but I always feel better with “journaling”. My mom recently told me about Rick Santorum’s wife apparently writing “Letters to Gabriel”. It was her child who died shortly after premature birth, but I thought maybe I would try that. Writing letters to…our baby. I would plant a tree because I like that idea, but we don’t plan on living in this house forever, so then I’d be torn about leaving the tree here. HUGS!
After my recent miscarriage, this post hits home. Thanks so much for sharing it! I can’t tell you how many times someone has said to me “oh well, just be happy with the child you have” of COURSE I’m happy with the child I have! That doesn’t mean I shouldn’t/couldn’t love another one!
This is the first time I have felt strong enough to put a comment on an article like this. It will be 7 years in May since we lost our twins, and the heartache never completely goes away. I still grieve for them, but the days of not being able to function or focus are now far behind me. I can’t remember exactly when, but I do know that after getting through each day, week and month that passed, it got easier. This was your child you can remember and honour them, even if you feel others don’t or can’t acknowledge your loss. I want to say I’m sorry for your broken heart and your grief, to anyone reading this that has lost their precious child. May you find peace and joy in your world soon. For those who need a little hope, we were lucky enough to fall pregnant again (have a trouble free pregnancy and labour, which was a huge fear for me) and have another baby who is now five. She isn’t and never will be a “replacement for our lost babies” but she brings lots of much needed joy and love to our world.
Thank you so much for sharing your story with all of us. Your words will help so many and for that, we appreciate it!