I’ve been a nanny for nine years now, and a mom for two and a half years. I tell pregnant moms-to-be all the time that you can take all the classes you want, but there are just some things you can’t learn until you’re in the nitty gritty up to your teeth!

Take this for example:
In baby readiness classes, they teach you how to change a diaper. What they do NOT explain is that you will want to plastic wrap the entire room you change your newborn in, as there is a slight (definite) possibility that baby will pee out of their butt. As in baby poop squirts. All over that pile of clean laundry you placed five feet away in what you thought was out of the danger zone. It wasn’t.

So read on for the little things I’ve learned (aside from squirting poop) from being a mom (and a nanny).

  1. You really only need five and a half inches of space on your bed to sleep.
  2. Shopping trips CAN be done in five minutes or less.
  3. I can see with my ears.
  4. Watching a movie 4,839 times is not as annoying as you’d think.
  5. Everything can be a fort. Everything.
  6. Dinosaurs are cool this week, but cars will be cool next week, and yesterday robots were cool.
  7. Lock up all art supplies.
  8. Clothes fit kids for two weeks.
  9. The silent treatment does not work on kids. At. All.
  10. It only takes two seconds after closing the bathroom door for the banging and whining to start.
  11. Your clothes are actually expensive tissues for booger wiping.
  12. DO NOT WEAR BLACK (refer to #11).
  13. I can dodge a stream of pee!
  14. “Busy” and “curious” are strangers’ terms for “Maniac Child”
  15. Kids NEED what they ask for! Seriously. I hear it’s life or death. My son NEEDS movies.
  16. I can type entire e-mails and articles with a toddler hanging off my arm.
  17. I can tell my son to quit it with one simple clearing of my throat.
  18. Counting to three is a magic spell in which children listen by three!
  19. Rules are always fought, unless you introduce them as a game.
  20. I can finish my dinner in three minutes.
  21. Dinner can take three hours
  22. A clean house means all the toys are up against the walls instead of in the middle of the floor.
  23. Kids only need five toys: cardboard box, toilet paper rolls, laundry basket, remote control, and your phone.
  24. “You’re a mean mom” from child = actually a compliment! From another adult = Not so much.
  25. Log out of all websites/social media sites before handing over your phone as a toy (see #23) Unless, of course you like to see giant pictures of your son dressed as a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle on the home page of your parenting website. (Wait … too specific?)

Now that I’ve let you all in on the things you learn AFTER you become mom, you’re set!

What have you learned since becoming a parent??

*This article is written in fun, and is not at all to be taken seriously.